Miserable Monday

• Hackers
• Fallout
• Cardiac arrhythmia
• Taking the low road
• Accidently filling your car's tank with jet fuel
• Glowing LED lights that make it difficult to fall asleep at night
• The cost of living in Moscow, which is the highest in the world
• The fact that only 1600 giant pandas are left in the wild
• Finances after divorce
• The "big one"---the catastrophic earthquake scientists predict will hit California in the next 30 years
• Dusting
• The fact that oil prices per barrel almost doubled between 2007 & 2008
• Remotes with hard to find mute buttons
• Velcro on shoes
• Foam bras
  

Miserable Monday & Happy Birthday Rena!

Ok so this Monday is a little bit different and very special! It's Rena's (aka my Asian twin) birthday!!

We've been besties since high school and I can't imagine my life without her in it!

Right now she is flying to Japan to be with her family for the holidays.

Head on over to her blog and wish her a Happy Birthday! Love you!


And now on to Miserable Mondays...

• Cracks in your foundation
• Leaky pipes
• Flat pillows
• Having an academic advisor that secretly hates you
• Dogs that bite mailmen
• Lumpy mattresses
  
• The sound of a mosquito near your ear in the dark
• People who are proud of being able to burp the alphabet
• Living next door to a house full of college students who party every night
• Waiting in line for the copy machine
• Lipstick that sits in the creases and lines of your lips
• Cuticles
• Smudging a new pedicure before it dries
• Elegant dresses worn with flip-flops
• Mort Hurst, who suffered a stroke after eating 38 eggs in 29 seconds
• Radio announcers with beautiful voices and ugly faces
• Women who name their babies after soap opera characters
• Rock stars without last names
• Sarcastic Vice Principals
  
• Contagious yawns
• Someone else eating the last brownie

Miserable Monday

• Learning how to make out from an article in a teen magazine
• Not being sure whether a title should be in quotes or italics
• Feeling embarrassed for people who lack a sense of shame
• First jobs
• Your mother marrying one of your high school classmates
• Men who think that all female athletes are lesbians
• Advertisements that coin words like "fabulosity"
• Financial advisors who need advice
• Financial advisors who don't follow their own advice
• Learning the moon is not made of cheese
• Attempts to help that just make things worse
• Toilet paper that sticks to your shoe
• Trying to call your in-laws by their first names for the first time
• Fuzzy toilet seat covers
• Eighteen-year-olds that still go trick-or-treating
• Grandfather clocks that always chime the wrong time
  

Miserable Monday

• Crying in your beer
• Driving across town to a store that's closed
• Dentists whose signs have pictures of dancing teeth
• Surgeons with shaky hands
• Offending a member of a motorcycle gang
• Late paychecks
• People who space out and just sit at green lights
• Exercising when you have to use the bathroom
• Being attacked by geese
• Lousy t-shirts
• Fishing in urban areas
• Spending your birthday alone
• Forgetting to pay bills
• Difficult to assemble toys that your kids never play with
• People who are constantly humming tunelessly
• The food at Denny's
• Casting the first stone
• Not being able to explain what you do for a living
  

Miserable Monday

• Cafeteria workers
• Corporate yoga
• Moms who tells one kid they're cuter than the other
• Gondoliers who can't swim
• Gondoliers who are tone deaf
• Being the only child whose picture is not on your parents' refrigerator
• Naps at the bar
• Yoga teachers with harsh, unsoothing voices
• Brain surgeries in which you have to remain conscious
• Pocket protectors
• Fashionable cracks in restaurant walls
• Breaking into a car and realizing you can't drive a stick
• Screams
• Eating leftovers at every meal
• Prescription drugs that differ from generics only in their price
• Having a phone number that is almost identical to an escort service
• Getting stuck in traffic on your anniversary
• Computer with opinions about politics
• Funeral home employees who say: "Thank you, come again."
• The demolition of beautiful old buildings

Miserable Monday

• Cat People
• Ordering Take-out, yet again
• Step-grandparents
• Weekly meetings with the principal at your child's school
• Trying to entertain hungry small children for hours
• Hands stuck in the cookie jar
• Chewing gum in hair
• Running out of diapers
• Stabbing yourself with your corsage
• Owls with insomnia
• Surfers eaten by sharks
• Companies that discontinue the pensions of loyal workers
• Dating someone who brings out the worst in you
• Action movies that try to be politically relevant
  
• People on whom college is wasted

Miserable Monday

• Employees who make more photocopies than decisions
• Hannibal Lecter
• Shorts in catherals
• Drooling while yawning
• Large families in tacky matching shirts
• Countries where voting for a particular candidate exponentially increases your chance of death
• Patented colors
• Novels advertised on buses
• Heartworm
• Ruptured spleens
• Idiots with a bully pulpit
• Blight
• Job applicants who are convicted felons
• Cold grits
• Incompetent children who inherit their parents' business
• People who think Under Armor is bulletproof
  

Miserable Monday

• Smirks
• Getting caught charging personal items to the corporate expense account
• Hair that doesn't respond to combing
• Expensive medical tests that show nothing
• Diamonds that aren't forever
• Not daring to say what you think
• Kathie Lee Gifford
• Having your parents drive you to prom
• Hematomas
• People who skim books and then discuss them
• Not realizing when someone's talking to you
• Whiplash from bumper cars
• Not knowing when to quit
• Invented statistics in advertisements
• Arguments that last decades
  
• Wanting to be someone else
• Major life decisions based on the needs of pets
• Forgetting dessert
  

Miserable Monday

• Replying to a question that wasn't asked
• Replying in the wrong language
• Not realizing you were on speaker phone
• The last day of vacation
• Mortuary school
• Trying to convey your life story in a few paragraphs
• Trying to sound excited about your friends' lives
• Trying to make your job sound sexy, impressive and dangerous
• Looking around you
• Trying to feel sexy in long underwear
• Gratuitous high fives
• Umbrellas inverted by strong winds
• The words "please hang up and try again"
• Crooked bangs
• Flimsy plastic long chairs
• Wheelbarrows with flat tires
• Being told to expand your skill set
  

Miserable Monday

• Rich people who emphasize their upper middle class roots
• The English Sweating Sickness, which swept Europe between 1485-1552
• The many many people you could never be happy with
• When your toddler pours apple juice on your laptop because "it looked thirsty"
• Gnats in a tornado
• Xanax
• People paid to wear a giant hot dog suit and dance suggestively
• People whose job is to pass out fliers on the street in the summer
• Garbage Barges
• Cloth diapers
• Celebrities who are disappointingly short in person
• Cleaners of gas station urinals
• Parents who consider their child's screaming tantrums as adorable
  
• Songs with one chord, played very loudly
• People who hate things they've never tried
  

Miserable Monday

• Tobacco Companies
• Cold Egg McMuffins
• Weighing yourself ten times a day
• Feeling compelled to visit your sick friends in the hospital
• Poorly attended revolutions
• People who think The Waste Land is a poem about New Jersey.
• Calvin Coolidge
• Priests who mispronounce the name of the deceased
• Out-of-service elevators
• Drum sets that consist of a single bucket
• Futile scratching
• Running the wrong way during a fire
• The difference between listening and hearing
  
• Human smugglers
• Frighteningly efficient people
• Wrong turns
• People who view MySpace as a creative outlet
• Legally Blonde the musical
  

Miserable Monday

• Awkwardly rhymed verse
• Health foods that make you fart
• Essays with puns in the title
• Not knowing which counter cultural movement is chic right now
• People who try to "play" champagne flutes
• A spelling system completely at odds with modern pronunciation
• Tropical diseases
• Misuse of the semicolon
• Countries with currency more colorful than ours
• Immigrants who speak better language than you do
• Having the wrong limb amputated
  
• The world's richest men ignoring the poverty around them
• When your favorite ban's concert gets rained out
• Noisy crickets
• Banks & post offices who are only open when everyone is at work
  

Miserable Monday

• Cognitive dissonance
• White subtitles in black-and-white movies
• ATM transaction fees
• Not having peripheral vision while wearing glasses
• Attractive people who wear baggy clothes
• Having to read Old English poems in the original
• Impenetrable academic writing supported by large grants
• Recent Woody Allen films
• The difficulty of owning a restaurant
• People who get everything handed to them on a silver platter
• Your global multimedia empire's lackluster profits this quarter
• Wi-Fi hot spots that are actually cold
• The Victorian novel
• Sentences that begin with "When I was your age..."
• Gun-toting psychopaths, especially when they run countries
  
• Children who grow up to be a stupid as their parents
  

Miserable Monday

• When your roommates throw each other birthday parties and don't throw one for you
• Hearing ambulance sirens during your wedding
• Adult cartoons
• Babies with milk allergies
• Wanting kids when your husband doesn't
• Wanting kids when your wife doesn't
• Being the last one with your family's name
• Getting stung by a jellyfish
• Animals with jars stuck on their heads
• Being cross-eyed
• Walking into a spiderweb
• Accidents with electric drills
• Trying to get a table at a hot new restaurant
  
• Being told you can't do something
• Having to change your name because you're being stalked
• Margaret Seltzer, who wrote a memoir about LA gang life that turned out to be fictional
• Peeling post-sunburn
• Trying to find a new tenant
• Oxybenzone- a potentially toxic ingredient in sunscreen
  

Miserable Monday

• Pigeon droppings on city sidewalks
• The magazine selection in doctors' office
• Thin eyelashes
• IVs that won't go in
• Stripped screws
• Leaky paint sprayers
• Picking up someone at the airport after midnight
• Getting an eye infection from old mascara
• Flat soda
• Spilling tomato juice on a white carpet
• Numbness after Novocain
  
• The amount of packaging involved in frozen dinners
• Forgetting the time difference and calling your grandmother after 11:00 pm
• Plastic furniture
• Having to make your own birthday cake
• Your house getting appraised at much less than you thought it was worth
• Bra straps that dig into your shoulders
• Raccoons eating all the koi in your koi pond
• Combs with broken teeth
• Dry, crusty elbows
• Forgetting the emergency brake on a steep hill

Miserable Monday

• Having someone pretend to love you in order to make someone else jealous
• Flapping shoe soles
• Eyebrows that resemble caterpillars
• Your boyfriend finding your 8th grade school picture
• Barflies
• Musty smelling attic fans
• Pleated Khakis
• Not understanding your computer's instructions
• Elephants that escape from the circus and trample people
• Fancy hotels with bedbugs
• Motel fires
• Realizing that autumn is over
• Living next to a women who screams constantly at her children
• Ant farms
• Grandparents who tell you the same stories everytime you see them
• Starving artists who wish they'd gone to law school
• Wealthy lawyers who wished they'd gone to art school
• Your mom having better legs than you
• Your dad being able to beat you up
• Christmas ball earrings
• Finding out that your favorite tree is diseased and has to be cut down
• Fat fingers
  

Miserable Monday

• Not being sure whose foot you're touching under the table
• Baboon attacks
• Dusty closets
• Flesh-eating plants
• Double-Edged Swords
• Sharing a bathroom with people who never clean it
• Spending more hours a week with your coworkers instead of your spouse
• Wolves in sheep's clothing
• Partitioned kingdoms
• Running into your teacher while either or both of you are drunk
• Hopes crushed with a single word
• Being asked what took you so long in the bathroom
• The smell of other people's popcorn
• Parents who consider their children a source of unpaid labor
• Relationships that begin in closets and end in court
• Movies referred to as "the comedy event of the season"
• Sporks
• Computers from the '80s
• Teachers who try to be friends with their students
  

Miserable Monday

• Needing a new transmission
• Knowing all the words to "Ice Ice Baby"
• The Montauk Monster
• Taking the non scenic route
• Sanctions
• MTV
• Mudslinging
• Saying "I love you" too soon
• The word "chunky"
• The narrowing space between your upper thighs
• Learning famous German novelists were once members of the Hitler Youth
• Completely humorless coworkers
• Coworkers who are constantly making bad jokes
• Being a major character in someone else's psychodrama
• Siege towers
• Soldiers who fall asleep on duty
• Doormen who fall asleep on duty
• Tie dye
• Finally figuring out who you are and realizing you don't like it
• Mean girls
• People who wear knit hats in the summer
  

Miserable Monday

• Being on the chopping block
• Damp underarms
• Dull razor blades
• Kids who would rather play guitar hero than learn to play guitar
• Water moccasins
• Private clubs
• Blackheads
• Whiteheads
• Xanadu
• Lost Dog posters
• The clutch of greed
• Failed utopias
• Hair metal
• Dolphins-the only animals besides humans that commit suicide
• Houses decorated with somber portraits of dead ancestors
• Exchanges of sentence fragments that pass for conversation
• Being trapped in a sewer
• Learning what your employees really think of you
• Disliking people who witness your humiliation
• Being addressed as "ma'am"
• When your parent is your teacher
  
  

Miserable Monday

• Returning from a long war to find your wife besieged by suitors
• Snarling toddlers
• Invalids who look grateful when spoken to
• Writers who don't waste time reading
• The death of haberdashery as an apprenticed craft
  
• The Village of Tiger Widows, full of women whose husbands were killed by tigers
• Comic book conventions
• The marriage prospects of 18th-century British peasants
• Heterosexual Flight Attendants
• Being your husbands secretary
• Chaucer's use of meter
• Weekly breakfast dates with elderly women
• Critics who delight in savagely cruel reviews
• Artistic impulses exhausted by marriage
• Adults who ask the waiter which dish is the yummiest
• The lack of fact-checkers for the Bible
• Vacations within a mile radius of home
• Missing key body parts